Rachel and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Experience with Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding was very important to me. I knew before I even became pregnant that it was something that I wanted to do. The more I read, the more I knew that breastfeeding was definitely the way to go for me. My goal was at least a year before I even started weaning. Maybe we would go longer!

I read that breastfeeding was tough for the first little bit for pretty much every first time mom, but that it got infinitely easier. It would even become enjoyable! I even read stories of people who were sad when their baby self weaned.

What not a one of these books, articles or personal experiences prepared me for was that for some people in never gets easier. It never really did for me.

I started trying to breastfeed Liam within the first half hour of his life. He did great. He fed on the left side for about half and hour. Then I decided (since it was past 3 a.m. at this point) that I should probably let my family, who had patiently been sitting in the waiting room for 12 plus hours, see the baby. I later realized that this was my very first breastfeeding mistake. From day one, Liam never fed as well on the right side (the side I did not feed him on when he was first born) and every single breastfeeding problem I had occurred on the same side.

The first few days were exhausting (meaning they were just like they should be). There were no complications with breastfeeding at first. I knew it was normal for your milk to take a few days to come in and that it is usually uncomfortable at first. Pretty soon, unfortunately, we moved past the point of uncomfortable. For weeks, when Liam would first began feeding (on the right side) it hurt so badly that it was all I could do to keep myself from screaming out loud, and sometimes I couldn't do anything to stop myself from screaming. (So the bad experience with the resident during birth might have been the most pain I had felt in my life up to that point, but I would take that again over this pain any day.) Tears would spring into my eyes and tears would roll down my face. I dreaded this pain, but still compelled myself to go through it every 2-3 hours (and sometimes even closer together than this) because I knew that breastfeeding was the best thing for Liam. Not to mention the money it was saving our family--money we did not have at the time. I got scabbed, blistered and was bleeding on multiple occasions. I still persisted because I wanted to breastfeed AND it was going to get easier, right?

I had my first clogged duct when Liam was less than a month old. I started running a fever, a warm pink spot developed on my right breast and my entire body ached. I called the doctor, just to check that the fever was nothing to be concerned about. It wasn't. So I took an ibuprofen and kept on breastfeeding. It went away within a day or two and I felt much better.

At this point (around the one month mark) breastfeeding was still difficult. In the evenings Liam would sometimes want to eat every 45 minutes for four or five hours. Then every 2-4 hours all night. This isn't so bad and actually pretty typical. Except for he would want to eat for 45 minutes to an hour during the night feedings. It seemed like by the time he was done eating and I laid down and relaxed, he was ready to eat again. Also, pretty normal. The pain had somewhat subsided at this point. It was more of a wince at this point--no more tears!

Then I had to go back to work when Liam was a few days shy of 3 months old. This is the time when things are supposed to get routine, feedings space out and it's smooth sailing from there. No such luck. I found it very hard to even make time to pump at work since I was a new employee still in training. I also did not feel like my breast pump was really doing its job all too well. The first few weeks went ok. I was uncomfortable and exhausted, but I was pumping enough to meet Liam's demand.

Then things got terrible. Work was so busy I was lucky to pump two (and on rare occasions three) times while working. First I got engorged. Then I developed a plugged duct. I kept pumping and breastfeeding as much as possible. Then Liam started mostly refusing the right breast.

I tried every trick I could find on the internet: cold compresses, warm compresses, massage, warm showers, dangle feeding (which is incredibly weird in my opinion), always starting on the right side, pumping after feeding, pumping before feeding. Nothing worked and by this point I felt incredibly sick most of the time and had even thrown up a few times. I finally went to the clinic at work and was proscribed an antibiotic. It made me feel a little better . . . for about two days. Then I started feeling even worse. I went to a walk-in clinic where a physician's assistant told me it was "probably just clogged ducts". She then went and printed some stuff off the internet and sent me home with a stack of papers and a new prescription. I glanced at the paper and recognized each site she had pulled the info from. I had already read and tried everything contained in the papers she gave me. It was very frustrating trying to explain that something more than just a clogged duct was going on because it would not go away. At this point it had been several weeks. I took the antibiotics and hoped maybe it would work. It didn't.

Liam was completely refusing the right breast at this point and when I tried to pump I was extremely lucky if I could get an ounce. And I felt absolutely terrible. Tony was so wonderful during this time. I would come home feeling so sick and so tired that it felt impossible to do anything. It was all the strength I could muster to continue breastfeeding Liam and pumping. By this point we were having to supplement with formula since I was basically only producing milk on one side. Tony took care of Liam by giving him his baths, changing his diapers, feeding him his formula and putting him to bed at night. Plus he was taking care of me too! He would cook us dinner, help pack my lunch (or just pack it for me), drive me to work some mornings and keep the house clean and my laundry done. I don't think he really knows how appreciative I was of all his help during this time.

My parents were coming up one weekend, and I came home so miserable that Friday that Tony said it was time to go to the doctor again. I called our insurance's advice nurse and when I told her my symptoms and how long it had been going on, she immediately sent me the the emergency care facility. From the emergency care facility they sent me to the hospital's emergency room to get an ultrasound since their department had just closed. As soon as the ultrasound was taken they hooked me up to an IV, gave me some fluids and pain medication, called a surgeon and prepared to admit me for surgery that very night. The simple "clogged duct" I had been diagnosed with was either at the time or very soon there after developed into severe mastitis and then into a massive abscess. Tony and I decided, while I was laying in the ER, that it was time to call it quits with breastfeeding. Liam was about six months old. I was disappointed. I felt like crying. I was so disappointed in my body and so frustrated that all the pain and sickness that I had been through had led us here. I kept thinking it would eventually get easier and that I would grow to love breastfeeding, I never really got that chance.

So from leaving the house til lying in the OR probably took about 5 hours. It was a blessing my parents were coming up this weekend. They were able to watch Liam so Tony could stay at the hospital with me. Tony only left me for about an hour (maybe less) to meet my parents at our apartment and leave Liam with them.

The doctor told me the next day after surgery that basically my entire right breast (anything that wan't tissue) was infected. He originally planned to make one small incision to drain the infection, but turns out it took two to make sure he got all of it. He told me that when they do these surgeries they always leave the wounds open, pack them with gauze and let them heal from the inside out. The original dressing would work for a few days, then I would have to visit his nurse at his office every day for a week to remove the old gauze and repack the wound with new gauze. I took approximately three percosets over the weekend and one before the first day I had my gauze changed. So I was in some pain, but not too much. Except for that first gauze change. That definitely hurt . . . a lot. Even though I experience some pain, I did not feel sick at all starting from the moment I woke up from surgery.

It really is such a miracle when you have been sick for a long time (at least two months for me) to finally feel normal. And realize how wonderful normal feels. I could take care of Liam again. I enjoyed and looked forward to coming home from work and cooking and playing with my baby.

I later realized that for quite some time when I was so sick and weak, I was not being a good mother to Liam. I was definitely not being the mother he deserved. In the end, giving up breastfeeding was probably the best thing I could have done for both of us. I was too scared to subject my body to the possibility of another bout of mastitis or an abscess to continue breastfeeding after the surgery. Liam had his healthy mother back that could give him the time and attention he needed. It really was a win, win. We were both happy and healthy.

I am still disappointed that breastfeeding did not work out for me. I know there are some breastfeeding advocates out there who would say I should have kept trying. I have even read stories online about people who kept breastfeeding even after similar surgeries and I commend them for their commitment. This is even what the information I read from La Leche League (an organization I respect very much) seemed to suggest. And there are others who would probably say I was crazy to keep trying as long as I did. In the end, I absolutely 100% know that I made the right choice to stop. Here is a collection of some other stories (on a comment board) if you are interested.

Breastfeeding is very important to me and I realize how beneficial it is to baby and to myself and to our family's budget. I have every intention to breastfeed baby number two, and I have high hopes that things will be much better this time.

However, I absolutely cannot agree that continuing to breastfeed is more important than the combination of the many other aspects of motherhood that I was unable to perform because of the sickness. Liam deserved a mom more than a milk machine, and I have absolutely no regrets about my decision.

And for sticking it out for this long you get a treat. Family pictures from forever ago:

This is not a family photo. This is from Easter.

 This is after Tony blew a dandy lion in my face.